recognizing patterns – what do i want now?

i’m sitting at my desk at work, going through my OS. it occurred to me that i continually go through “waves” of refreshing my computers with a clean start … to building my options with tools and interesting applications … and trying out new file management methods … until, eventually, i have an annoyingly cluttered mess, and i need to refresh again.

looks just like what happens in my room.

i imagine that it possibly happened in some of my past relationships too. (ponder ponder)

so, my thought branched to something i consciously decided several years ago when considering my personal state and what i wanted in life. i determined that i lacked one thing i needed more than anything else, confidence. my personality was “nice” but lame without confidence, and that disabled my interactions with others. i wanted to be recognized with more respect, to have the attitude that could get me whatever else i wanted. ……. fast forward, and i have it, and it’s good for me even if i may occasionally come across as an asshole.

then, now what? … what’s the next step that i choose and begin to build? i looked through my files again and my cluttered room and my hobbies and my many unpolished skills, and i instantly knew i needed focus. i know a little about alot, and i’m all for that, but i’m deciding to shift now towards fewer, more concentrated paths. what are these going to be? i have an idea, and i’m watching with all of this in mind. this will be the end of this cycle of the wave. clean out and refresh.

::EDIT::

a friend asked me about how i forced myself to get self confidence. this was my answer.

i’m trying to remember the precise moments that i consciously stepped up…. i definitely did a little focused searching (of the google type). i did some aggressive putting myself out there in challenging social situations to get used to it (speaking with the “upper class girls” without cowering, joining an improv class and several other group classes). investing myself in creative/productive groups like scul and my glitchhouse really helped me understand that i’m capable of designing and manufacturing. interacting with my role-models helped me get over some of the mental block that they’re somehow in an unreachable class of human. contemplating the insignificance of humanity in relation to the universe really helps calm my social insecurities. i’ve been observing and pondering what motivates people in various circumstances. from that, i’ve started consciously manipulating (not in a bad way, really) situations to get what i want. i even practiced facial expressions with a video camera to understand what others see. i, at first, saw myself as embarrassingly affected. i’ve unlearned some of those annoying traits, and i’ve gotten over most of the others since i know that everyone has some.

i think the one most valuable exercise i’ve found is to always be aware of my image when around others. i’m constantly developing control of my presence. i look in the eye of the person whose attention i want, and i give a smug (read “confident”) smile and shake their hand with purpose. whether or not this image is truly what i think it is, i feel like it’s honest, and people don’t seem to question it.

i’m thinking of taking some “communications” related classes soon. maybe i’ll be a vlogger someday. ; )