notetoself.net » musings

“Maybe it’s the Hamlet she just misquothed”

John Dill — Tue, 05 May 2009 21:29:28 +0000

Tim Minchin is my current favorite musician. … or comedian. cultural commentator?? He understands how insignificant we are and at the same time how important it is that we use our reasoning powers to figure this all out instead of creating a fantasy explanation and then judging others for not having the “faith” you do. /veryshortrant

just youtube him.

recognizing patterns – what do i want now?

dillweed — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:56:39 +0000

i’m sitting at my desk at work, going through my OS. it occurred to me that i continually go through “waves” of refreshing my computers with a clean start … to building my options with tools and interesting applications … and trying out new file management methods … until, eventually, i have an annoyingly cluttered mess, and i need to refresh again.

looks just like what happens in my room.

i imagine that it possibly happened in some of my past relationships too. (ponder ponder)

so, my thought branched to something i consciously decided several years ago when considering my personal state and what i wanted in life. i determined that i lacked one thing i needed more than anything else, confidence. my personality was “nice” but lame without confidence, and that disabled my interactions with others. i wanted to be recognized with more respect, to have the attitude that could get me whatever else i wanted. ……. fast forward, and i have it, and it’s good for me even if i may occasionally come across as an asshole.

then, now what? … what’s the next step that i choose and begin to build? i looked through my files again and my cluttered room and my hobbies and my many unpolished skills, and i instantly knew i needed focus. i know a little about alot, and i’m all for that, but i’m deciding to shift now towards fewer, more concentrated paths. what are these going to be? i have an idea, and i’m watching with all of this in mind. this will be the end of this cycle of the wave. clean out and refresh.

::EDIT::

a friend asked me about how i forced myself to get self confidence. this was my answer.

i’m trying to remember the precise moments that i consciously stepped up…. i definitely did a little focused searching (of the google type). i did some aggressive putting myself out there in challenging social situations to get used to it (speaking with the “upper class girls” without cowering, joining an improv class and several other group classes). investing myself in creative/productive groups like scul and my glitchhouse really helped me understand that i’m capable of designing and manufacturing. interacting with my role-models helped me get over some of the mental block that they’re somehow in an unreachable class of human. contemplating the insignificance of humanity in relation to the universe really helps calm my social insecurities. i’ve been observing and pondering what motivates people in various circumstances. from that, i’ve started consciously manipulating (not in a bad way, really) situations to get what i want. i even practiced facial expressions with a video camera to understand what others see. i, at first, saw myself as embarrassingly affected. i’ve unlearned some of those annoying traits, and i’ve gotten over most of the others since i know that everyone has some.

i think the one most valuable exercise i’ve found is to always be aware of my image when around others. i’m constantly developing control of my presence. i look in the eye of the person whose attention i want, and i give a smug (read “confident”) smile and shake their hand with purpose. whether or not this image is truly what i think it is, i feel like it’s honest, and people don’t seem to question it.

i’m thinking of taking some “communications” related classes soon. maybe i’ll be a vlogger someday. ; )

“an unprecedented level of transparency and accountability”

dillweed — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 01:53:14 +0000

Look who has a good speech writer.

It seems to me that the opponents of this plan are stuck with their party’s generally held ideals that they will be made to pay for the failure of others, when they must realize that they as well will go down with the sinking ship unless we act together very soon.

The dark explosion is my blood

dillweed — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 15:36:03 +0000

The dark explosion is my blood, originally uploaded by gobikey.

I was going through old things and found this drawing I made around 20
years ago. I was procrastinating doing homework and had a bloody nose
that ended up accidentally on the blank paper. It made such a perfect
shape, so I filled out the rest. The blood spot has chipped since then.

Verizon’s DSL billing system is horrible

dillweed — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 22:43:32 +0000

i won’t go into the details of many instances where their system breaks down, but i feel like ranting about how many frustrating hours i spent TRYING TO PAY for my internet service. you would think that they would look into multiple calls and emails notifying them of their completely broken payment site. you might also think that someone there would respond to maybe at least one of several numbered incident reports other than the automatically generated “Your-help-request-xxxxxxxxx-has-been-received” emails. it could even be possible that less than half my calls to the billing department might not get disconnected after waiting collective hours on hold.

nope.

after having finally finding someone coherent on the phone to set up automatic billing with my credit card, i got a creditor notice. they had entered the wrong account number. awesome.

i can see from other rants like this that Verizon as an ISP may be falling apart. it’s too bad they are the only option for internet service in my area.

/rant

teh markets

dillweed — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 05:09:03 +0000

i feel like it’s ok to be an american…

dillweed — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 04:23:28 +0000

for the first time in a long time.

humming

dillweed — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 19:01:53 +0000

while i’m showering, and she’s … doing something girly in the mirror.

me: what’s that humming noise?!
her: it’s me.
me: …. what are you doing??
her: i’m humming.

o.O

it’s my blog’s birthday.

dillweed — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:36:05 +0000

happy birthday, blog. you’re 1.

oh, and i’m 31. heading to redbones later.

“has anyone ever felt this good?” comes to mind

dillweed — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:25:53 +0000

this morning, i took the T from Sarah’s place (got to get a bike ready for her soon) and walked the block from the station to my work. i walked slowly. the sun felt prominent but not overbearing. it balanced with the slight breeze around my arms. as i walked, i realized that i hadn’t felt these so profoundly for a long time. it seemed surreal, so hyper “present”. there was no stress or worry in that moment, only a knowing of health and balance and love surrounding me.

i’m not sure how i came into that moment, but i won’t complain

notetoself: keep in mind what its like to appreciate. its a skill as well as a reaction.